thE beGInNinG oF LifE ~niSa~

My Heart, My so dear heart, why are you hurting so much? Feeling so sad and feel to much pain? I want you to be happy and feel joy in everything you are doing…. But something won’t let you.

It is holding on to you and pulling you back from that free feeling. You feel you are in a cage and not allowed to fly.

Why is love like that??? it’s taken your freedom in exchange of loving someone or being loved by someone… There is nothing else in the word I want more, but to be free and not a prisoner of love.. Not to depend on my love, but on my heart…

My heart is so small, but feels so much and has so much love to give, it is a good, warm heart…

But it feels so alone…..

God give me strength
because i cannot love him more than i already do
now
and it hurts too much when he doesnt care

God,Im in love.

well..this how story goes…
the first pic tu was my ring before…
i bought them in March 05..
unfortunately…sob..sob…sob…
DIA ILANGGGGG!!!!Uwaaaaaaaaaaaaa…

citer die gini..hari isnin rituh, i assist Dr Zairuddin in Minor OT..
usual, mmg la wearing that ring..
if masuk OT, i will put it in my purse sbb that ring cam loose sket, if scrub dia easily get of kan..
so as a result, masa minor ot rituh, rasa cam a bit malas nak buh dlm purse..
so what i did was, i took a tissue paper near by an wrapped it n put it in my pocket..
at that time, dah terpk what if i tot it was only a tissue paper while changing my clothes later, but
" ishh…tak mungkin laaa…aku sure igt punye…"

then, buat laa Ot sumer…
so time to change my cloths..
mmg tak teringt langsung la about that ring..
rasanye i oredy threw it away kot into dustbin..
mmg tak prasan lagi at that moment…

until tomorrow, baru laa terigt about that..
but it was too lateeeee…gone oready…

sooo..today, i bought a new one..juz similar to the previous one..
tp of course la tak sama kan even it almost the same…
tp this one juz cun2 la my ring finger….maybe will stick situ jer kot…
i dunnoo…..

so…babai to my previous ring….n welcome to my new one….

I didn’t mean it
When I said I didn’t love you so
I should have held on tight
I never should’ve let you go
I did nothing
I was stupid
I was foolish
I was lying to myself
I could not fathom that I would ever
Be without your love
Never imagined I’d be
Sitting here beside myself

Who else am I gonna lean on
When times get rough
Who’s gonna talk to me
Till the sun comes up
Who’s gonna take your place
There ain’t nobody else
We belong together

* but we are together right now..:(…we ‘re the perfect couple, we’re juz not in perfect situation..

..somebody willingly get up from sleep in the middle of the night n go out to the nearest shop juz bcoz to buy a reload coupon n call us to listen to our problem, to listen the reason we r crying, to comfort us, to give some advises..

..somebody reply our sms late n say "…..sorry reply lmbt"..

..somebody meet us n asked " apa khabar hari ni"…"sihat tak"..

..somebody always smile to us everytime meet each other purposedly or not..

..somebody always show us their love n care unconditionally….

..somebody always being there whenever we need them eventhough they r bz at work…

..somebody call us juz wanna hear our voice, our daily activities without bored..

Eventhough that somebody is not our special one, but it is so touchful..we r juz a fren to them, but they treat us as if we’re special in their heart…sometimes we hope that our special one do all of that thing to us without we telling them, but if they don’t, do not be sad bcoz another person will give that to u without u waiting for…"what u give, u get back"..yup..it’s true..we give our best to someone we love but if they do not give back, don’t wait for them, it’s gonna hurt you…another person will do..don’t worry…

To those who r in long-distance relationship..meeting each other eye to eye is the most difficuilt thing to do especially when both of them bz working..cells, emails are the most important thing to make loves grow..it’s not true if some ppl said  "don’t have to contact each other frequently, let’s love grows by it self "..it’s totally wrong here. Why? bcoz without seeing each other, they are not really sure whether their love is there or slowly lost without anybody realize…

Actually how bz we r, we have to share our daily life to someone we love, so that we know what happened to them everyday….Without knowing that, we do not know whether they r "ok" or not…some ppl said, if less communication in relationship, anybody nearer from outside can easily "enter" n "say hello" to the blooming relationship..by that time, nobody can’t be blamed..

Don’t have to be sooo "save" to our love one..call them, listen to their voice..to some ppl, their problem will gone after listen to their loves one voice, but to some ppl, phone calls is not important in a relationship…why?me myself don’t know..nway…it’s not worthless..trust me..yeaaa..we never know whether they are really meant for us or not in the future ( even they r already married ) but to make it happen, we have to do something, sacrifice something, n work something to make sure our loves one happy n feel being LOVE and CARE by their loves one!….

….nisa

September, 2005

There are so many reasons that I find to run to you
Cos there’s so little loving in my life, now I am wawy
And thinking about it I want things back how they used to be
There is no way round it, nothing good comes easily
So much between us and we both know that it’s wrong
So I keep on waiting till I am back where I belong

So I keep on waiting till I am back where I belong
Back where I belong

* fest and foremost song he gave me….Dec, 2002

1) gRand wArd rOUnd

2) CME ( dEparTmEnt )

3) x-raY cOnfEreNcE

every wednesday, i hv to wake up early, mind prepared, emotionally prepared…start jer engine kreta, my heart beats loudly…1st thing every wednesday morning, we have our CME at A&E department…one of us will present a topic dat have been choosen by our BIG BOS - Mr Anuar…ohh my turn will be on August 28 @ October 5 on fracture femur…it’s a simple topic with a broad thing to be discuss n present..

then after that, we’ll have our Grand Round..we’ll see every patients of orthopedic in various ward…n it’s HO’s job to present all the cases…every week, every time, the same thing happened..we’ll be scolded like hell, they made fun of us n so many2 thing dat’s make us feel very depressed n up sad..not juz dat, we r going to standing n walking for about 4 hours!!!!!! feels like feverish dat time with back ache n muscle ache and HEART ACHE!!!..we’ll be asking some funny2 questions, master’s question n oso basic question that we r not able to answer it..about the presentation, i know i’m weak in that thing..n i oso not really can remember my patients without reading the BHT…n u know the feelings of presenting something in front of ppl n our TIGER boss…huhhhhhh…wut da hell….

n if we’re not lucky enuf, our day will continue with xray conference with radiology department after that until we dont have time to take our lunch!that’s bad…but what can we do…

the ward work hasn’t finished yet, then new cases coming…huhhh…so tired…every wednesday usually we go home late….n dat day is so tired n lethargic…

CONCLUSION here : kena bambooo + tired + leteh + lethargy + nak tidooooooo!!!

Dikala dikau mencari cinta
Aku memberi tetapi beku kurasakan
Dikala aku dilamun cinta dengan dirimu
Mengapa kau jauh dariku

Tiada cinta di dalam dirimu
Biarpun kau kata cinta padaku
Tidak kau rasa getaran ini
Tiada cinta lain sehebat cintaku

Korus:
Haruskah aku menanti cinta ini
Kerna kau masih tak mengerti hati ku
Tak perlu ku ucap
Baby I love you so
Kerna cinta darimu tak sehebat cintaku

Haruskah aku menahan perasaan
Tak sanggup kau bermain difikiranku
Tak perlu ku ucap apa diimpikan
Jadikan pengalaman cinta
Kita berdua

Setelah semuanya berlalu hatiku sepi
Tertusuklah cinta ku ini
Jikalau kau pergi dariku
Aku bersendiri
Mengapa kau begitu

Tiada cinta di dalam dirimu
Biarpun kau kata baby I love you
Tiada cinta getaran ini
Tiada cinta lain sehebat cinta ku

p/s : lagu ni baru pas burn masuk cd..dgr dlm keter tiap2 hari time nak g keje. pastu dok repeat2 dgr smpi laa tiba kat HRPZ 2. dah laa jln slalu jambooo…

1. saper kata lambat balas… balas… cuma yg lambat balas tu sebab tak prasan kot hp bunyik… tau2 dah ada mesej kat situ… biasalah,laki ni kan sentiasa bz… ..

2. memang la lambat.. lelaki suke dengan panggilan.. untuk mendengar suara.. kalo main sms tu macam merugikan kredit je.. baik buat call..

3. sbnr nyer laki tgk keadaan la.. Klu skit2 nak ajak bermadah.. Baik stop daripada pening kepala.. lagi 1 laki nie sms benda yang penting jer.. Setakat " yang I nak gie toilet nie, Bleh tak".. tak yah laa.. naik tulis bleh pun pkir 10 kali.. kenapa? rugi 10sen beb just 4 nak bg permission gie toilet…

4. sebab lembab kot…

5. bukan tak suker.. hs rosaklaa takleh taip

6. bknnyer aper dierorg penat nak tekan keypad reply sms.

7. tengok tempat dia..i mean kawasan liputan penerimaan laluan telefon dia… ada sesetengah tempat yang memang susah dapat line..sebab itulah lembap.

8. hehehe … … … . bkn lembab ahhh… … .korang perasaan tipon model skrang kebykan key pad halus2 ahhhh… … .. pastu jari kaum lelaki bagak … .so payah lah skit nak balas… klau nak beli yg ader keypad besar mahal lak

9. lelaki berfikir dulu sebelum send sms

10. alah..memang perangai org lelaki cenghitu.

11. tgk tgn pastu tgk keypad tu… .org laki tgn keras… keypad tu plak halus… payah la kan…

12. ikut @ tgk orglah… dah korang dapat lelaki yang memang jenis lambat reply nasiblah

13. entah ler… takut kot… x pun x reti taip laju

14. iyola sbb buat per duk sms nie… ..malas nak menulis panjang2 sangat lebey baik cal je kan. kalu couple tu dah duk dekat, kalo jauh sekali pun buatla active5 kalo prepaid maxis(ngan prepaid maxis gakla)kalo xder tolong belikan untuk dio.dah cinta kan sanggup buat per sajer… .kerna dah sayang!

15. jimat skit… … .

16. lelaki tu x reti type kot… kene la ambik kira… dah taip2, pastu, ntah2 credit dia dah abis… kene la pegi kedai mamak beli credit… baru nak beli, ntah2 duit x de… kene la pegi bank or ATM machine yg terdekat… kalau jauh, lagi la lama… baru sampai bank, tup tap, queue panjang sgt la plak… kene la beratur panjang… terpaksa sbb sayang sgt kat awek dia tunggu reply… tgh2 beratur, mana la tau tiba2 sakit perut… kene plak cari toilet atau masjid/surau yg terdekat… sampai toilet, air plak x de… kene la cari tempat yg ada air…

maknanya skrg, kita kene salahkan air… bukan sbb lelaki lambat reply ke ape… byk masalah maaa…

17. pikir ayat baik punya!!

18. lambat reply ada kerja lain ler tu… mana ler tau.. tengah main bola ker…

19. kalau di alambat reply msg tu..maksudnya dalam masa yg sama di apun bermsg dgn org lain jugak…

20. sebenarnya kaum lelaki malas nak melayan kerenah kaum wanita yg terlalu cerewet sangat mengalah kan nenek yang dah tua

21. ntah… … … xkan laki lambat reply pun nk marah… … ..di buat nyer dia sakit ker,kt hospital ker, busy kerje… … ..x pun dia memang jem paler hotak nk jawab aper

22. uiks.. mane ade maa… mesti ade sebab tu die lambat balas… mane tau kot² mase korang anto sms tu die tgh tido… tak pun die tak de kredit time tu… apo laa… .

23. NORMALLL LERR GENGGG..MANER TAU KREDIT ABIH KERRR… ..TEPON MASOK AIR KERR… ..SURE LAA LAMBAT REPLYY

24. iyer ker lambat maybe time tu lelaki tuh tgh sibuk ker,tgh drive ker..or apa2 jerk la… ..

25. hmmm.. kalau lambat pun bukan disebabkan lembab atau malas nak balas.. cuma tengah fikir nak susun ayat.. lagipun tangan lelaki keras sikit.. tu la pasal susah nak tekan button.. perempuan yg setau saya la, dorang cepat tekan button pasal selalu ngan HP.. tu la cepat.. lelaki ni mana la 24jam ngan HP.. kira HP tu utk kecemasan jak..

26. mmg la lambat reply sms… dah henset tak top up lg… takleh la antan sms

27. mungkin kehabisan kredit kot..tak pun kredit dah tinggal ciput, yang selebihnye mungkin nak telefon mak di kampung kot…

28. mungkin tidak..coz dier sebuk main sms ngan aweks dier yg lagi satu..cumagurl jer tak tahu

29. laki mmg camtu..prangai semulajd

30.  semua lelaki balas msg lambat mungkin ada sebab lain dan mungkin tengah layan awek lain selain dari ko

—-> kesimpulan nye…lelaki cenggitu…kalau la terjadik kat diorg, mula la nak pk bukan2…tp kalau kita pk bukan2, hangin satu badan..abes tuh camnerrrrr…..

rini terbgn lewat daaaa…igt ke dah set alarm..rupanya trus tido tak hingat2 smlm..as a result terbgn at 715 am.sebaik Sri kejutkan..klo tak, alamatnye…tak masuk OT aku rini…

aa…rini best sket…mmg de 7 cases nak wat tp aku masuk OT mr nordin hari ni..best2;)..ngn mr shahidan lak tuh..tp tak beshnye ngn Dz..tp dia skrg nmpk change da sket..nmpk laa sket kepercayaannye kat aku since aku sama team ngn die.klo tak slalu ngn look down on me..mentang2 aku first posting…cissss…

skali…tgk2 sorg patient dah op b4 nih…so tinggal 6 which were TBW, ILN + bone graft, SSG 2 cases, plating ngn pe ntah lagik satu…tp rupanya2 smpt 4 kes jer….lagik 2 kena postponed sbb no ot time..bagus laa…balik awal laa rinii..hehehe

tp rini penat laa jugak sbb aku yg kena angkat kaki2 patient nih..berat woo..ye laa sumer nye from cempaka…patutnya 4 org laa yg masuk ot ni…tp mula2 3 org jerrr…pastu br mr shah dtg…

masa tgh ‘memproses’ patient tuh, bese laa surgeon2 ni..mulut takleh dok diam..mentang2 aku budak baru blaja…dok menyakat jer kerjenyeee…smpi aku tatau daa nak jawab pe..patut leh jer nak menjawab tp tuh bos aku yg fest laaa..lg pon die byk tlg aku..so tak baik aku drop his water face..tp benanya aku tatau nak jawab perr…heheheh…tp tak bosan sgt rini…sbb i felt i was needed dlm op tuh…mr nordin slalu jer mntk tlg aku compare to surgeon len..soo..hehehee….tp tang baju II yg tak puas ati..ade ptt mr nordin suh aku pakai…tp dia tak pakai..pastu mula laa nak sembunyik blkg..ciss..ciss..ciss..tak gentleman langsung…pas ni aku nak wat buduhhh jerrr…bio die plak yg pakaii…( ptt laa aku makin pendek…sbb baju II rupanyaa….)….

masa last ot SSG tuh, juz mr nordin n me jerr..so kena kerja keras laa sket tp mr nordin ni gopoh sungguh last ot ni..die slalunye wat op releks n cool..maybe nak balik cepat kot..smpi POP pon tertukar cara nak wat back slab..aperrr dahhh…aku pon lemas tgk dieee kalut gilerrr…hahahahaa…tp bagus gakk..by 430pm tuh, aku dah bleh balikk..yahooooo..tenQ mr nordin…tenQ to anaes gak sbb tak mo smbung OT…yESsssss!!!!!